The Long Awaited Confession
by Paperblank
Summary: Prequel of "The Sought After Words". Life and death of Sai. Afterlife and disappearance of Sai. Will Shindou tell the truth to Touya one day ? What will happen if he does ?
1. The Thousand Years Prologue

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The ****Thousand Years Prologue**

My name is Sai. Fujiwara no Sai. I am a go instructor at the Emperor's court in Kyoto, in a time of peace and tranquillity, the Heian period. Or should I say, I was a go instructor. In an instant, my life was destroyed by treachery and betrayal. I was shamed in front of my Emperor by the court's second go instructor and deemed a trickster. That man had instigated a plan to oust me and had whispered in the Emperor's ear for days.

"No need for you to keep two go-sensei in your court, your Majesty".

"His Majesty should not settle for mere mediocrity".

"The court and His Majesty deserve the best".

The final whisper echoed in the Emperor's heart.

"Why not choose the best instructor for His Majesty by organising a game? I and Fujiwara-sensei would entertain the court and let His Majesty select the one most suited to His Majesty's needs".

That was my doom. That was my death.

We played for the Emperor and the court. I enjoyed the game, for I love go above all else life had to offer me. I am looking for the perfect move, the Hand of God.

I enjoyed the game until I saw that white stone in the middle of my opponent's black stones in his goke ; until I saw him took that cursed stone ; until I understood he didn't intend to give it back to me but considered the best moment to add it to his own prisoners ; until, as I opened my mouth to protest, he rudely interrupted me and accused me of cheating ; until I saw the dull glow of the Emperor's eyes on me ; until the Emperor demanded that we carry on with the game without further disturbing the court.

The flow of my go stones was troubled and my moves became awkward. I quickly resigned and wept in silence.

That accursed game was my doom and my death.

From that day and for the rest of my life, I was banished from the Emperor's court and denied the opportunity – the pleasure – to be a go instructor anywhere else in Japan.

Two days later, here I am. I am standing on the shore of the Biwa lake, near Kyoto. My tabi socks are soaked by the water lapping against my feet. Go is my life; if I cannot play go, I have no life. I have been in a daze for two days, but my path is now clear before me. I am still dressed in my formal sensei clothes, up to my tate eboshi hat. I am taking small steps in the cold waters of the lake. My knees are engulfed by water, my narrow hips are engulfed, my shoulders are, my head…

I am drowning myself; for I cannot live without go.

And still, as the waters are gagging me and burning my chest, as I slowly cannot breathe anymore, as my heartbeats are slowing, as I am dying, still I want to play go…


	2. The Hundred and Fifty Years Prologue

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The Hundred and Fifty Years Prologue**

Little did I know as I plunged to my death in the bitterly cold waters of the Biwa lake that it was not the end of my path in go but merely a new beginning. If there is a God of go, he must have had a shrewd sense of humour, to keep my awareness locked in the tears I have shed on the goban witnessing my defeat and my demise.

Within that damned goban as my prison, I hovered restlessly, purposelessly for several hundred years. I could see nothing. I could feel nothing. The only hope that sustained me for that long time was the hope to play go once more.

I stir from my deep slumber on the day a small child caresses my haunted goban, following the streaks of my tears. I hear his voice murmuring words, the sound throbbing clearer and clearer.

"… Stains… looking like tears… No one has ever seen these stains looking like tears on this goban. Why am I the only one to see them?"

I awaken at last. I awaken to my first day as a ghost.

"Child", I croon soothingly, "child, who can see the tears I shed in helplessness and anger, would you gift me a humble part of your soul? Would you offer me an opportunity to play go again through your body?"

Never have I ever awaited an answer so eagerly.

"…Yes…" I could hardly hear his whisper, but my incorporeal body rises from the goban and I consider the small child who has helped me come back to the world of the living. I can feel his mind through a deep connection I don't understand yet. But he is young, generous and warm-hearted. He plays go with passion. His name is Kuwabara Torajirou.

He is true to his words. Through his body I can play again. He is as selfless as I am selfish, for he lets me play all his games. At the age of eight, he's already a strong player; but I am stronger and desperate to be reckoned with. I play again in search of the Hand of God.

He lets me play with his teacher, the priest Hoshin. At seventeen, he lets me play with Gennan Inseki, deemed to be the strongest player of that time. This game brings him fame with the famous 'ear-reddening move', this move that turns the tides of the game in his favour and turns the ears of his opponent a dark shade of crimson. Known as Shuusaku Honinbou, he becomes the head of the Honinbou house and is nicknamed 'Invincible'.

I play to my heart's content and welcome every game, every challenge, every skirmish on the board. I cannot play enough. I don't want to stop; go is calling to me, like sake to a drunk. My hunger is never satiated. I feel the perfect move within my reach. Torajirou is becoming a man and lets me have my childish ways with him. He lets me play again and again.

At thirty-three, though he still lets me play, his kind soul drives him to care for cholera patients that are swarming the Honinbou house and to tend them himself. I am mad with worry and with good reason. I am devastated when Torajirou falls ill. Devastated, but selfish still. My friend, and host to my soul, dies in front of a goban, as I want to play one last time. The game is unfinished, the go stones are scattered and the goban is stained by the blood Torajirou has coughed before he collapses.

And once again, go and the Hand of God eludes me.


	3. The Three Years Prologue

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The Three Years Prologue**

It was blood this time, Torajirou's own blood, which kept my awareness confined once more in his goban, until I could be released again.

"… Stains…. clean it…I must spruce up this goban if I want to sell it…"

I am wide awake. I can hear the voice of a young boy who can see the long gone bloodstains on my haunted goban.

"Yes, there are stains here. Looks like blood to me." He insists.

"Can you see them?" I whisper.

"Of course, I can see them. Look, right here!" He is not talking to me.

"And can you hear me?" I whisper again.

"What?" The poor boy is dumbstruck. He cannot see me yet.

"So you can hear me. I found him. I found him. The one who can see Torajirou's bloodstains on my goban and hear my voice. I thank the gods from the bottom of my heart, for finally I can return amongst the living."

With these words, I rise from the goban in front of a young and strangely dressed teenager who shrieks and faints.

Thus begins my time with Shindou Hikaru.

I don't understand at first why Shindou has been _'chosen'_. I inhabit a small part of his heart and feel a deep connection with him, but he knows nothing of go nor is he remotely interested. I discover a world in which changes take me aback. The world of the living is nothing like I remember and I cling to my fan as I acquaint myself with what Shindou calls technology. The outrageous enormity of it leaves me reeling and staggering.

I feel a profound sadness at the loss of go. This game is my life and my death. I cannot carry on without go. My soul is deeply depressed, as I am longing and pining to play again.

My nervous dejection is taking a toll on Shindou who decides to humour me against his will, by going to his neighbourhood's go club lessons. He is not gracious about it but I am nonetheless delighted. My pleasure is short-lived, as the young boy hosting my soul is weary of the complicated rules of the game and vexed with my insistence to play.

We could have lived unhappily ever after, if not for this fortuitous meeting with another young boy. They are both twelve, the same age, but couldn't be more different. His name is Touya Akira.

When Shindou is boisterous and loud, Touya is reserved and thoughtful. When Shindou is carefree, Touya is serious. When Shindou is rejecting go and playing only reluctantly, Touya is enthusiast and playing with fiery passion. I admire him for the belief he has that go is his life path and ponder at length if it would have been more exhilarating to share my unbridled addiction with Touya rather than Shindou.

The first game I play with Touya is shidougo. Stunned and bewildered by his near defeat – I didn't know about the komi rule – Touya has chased Shindou again. Only to be utterly defeated a second time. Even a precocious child is no match for my skill. Touya is determined to chase Shindou's shadow. Me.

Those two games and Touya drive Shindou to get involved in the game. The third game between the two boys is a huge disappointment for Touya, as it is Shindou and not me who plays. The bleach-banged boy can see scorn and contempt in his opponent's face.

I know now why it is Shindou who shares his heart with me. He hurls himself in the terrible race single-mindedly and learns go with an unsurpassable fury. A true rivalry is born, from a simple misunderstanding. He takes gigantic leaps from amateur, to insei, to professional in less than two years.

I play a bit on a strange machine called a computer one summer, but the hubbub around Sai, the Internet go player, is too much to handle and the ploy is soon phased out. As the last resort, I only play with Shindou.

I guess the host of my soul is reluctant to let me play with other players. Not only because he fears his deepest secret revealed but because he wants Touya's eyes on Shindou and not Sai. If the world sees only Shindou, then who sees me? This feeling makes me uneasy and I miss playing my own games.

By a convoluted series of events, I – the Internet go player known as Sai – relish the opportunity to play Touya's father, the Meijin, who is considered to be the strongest player of his time and the closest to the Hand of God. I win the game and the feeling of playing with such a worthy opponent is intoxicating. This game, I realise later, is why the gods have chosen Shindou. He has to see this game because he is the only one who sees how the Meijin could have won and I lost. This is my legacy.

I am afraid my time amongst the living is drawing to an end, but Shindou doesn't believe me. I want to play more games, but Shindou is disinclined to humour me this time. Our last game is unfinished and my voice is vibrant as I utter my last words.

"We had fun, Hikaru, right? We had f…"

I am only a whisper in the darkness. My time has ended.


	4. The Bet

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The Bet**

We are fighting again in Touya's father's go salon. We have played a good game – I can win at least two times out of five now, sometimes more – and we have begun analysing it and commenting upon it. Each and every time we do, our observations and criticisms escalate to a full-scale shouting match worthy of twelve-year-old sixth graders. Except we are seventeen and go professionals for a couple of years now.

"What is this move, Touya? Just what is this move? How could you not see how it would develop? It's so obvious that you must have been blind to have missed that!"

"Blind? Didn't you see that I could play a tsuke here? And that's where the game truly began, Shindou, because your previous moves were bland and negligent!"

"Bland? My moves? You lost by one moku and a half! My moves were not bland! How many times did you say I was right? Four times! Four times!"

"Now you're counting how many times I say something? Enough is enough!"

"You're right! I'm leaving!"

I'm already halfway to the door when Touya sits down and sighs. His shoulders are slumped. I turn back to him in surprise. Our fights don't usually conclude with him backing down this way. I can feel something is wrong. I know something is wrong as soon as he speaks again. His voice is low and pleading.

"When is someday, Shindou? You said you would tell me someday, but that's not true, is it?

I remember that conversation vividly. Not only snippets of it, but the actual whole thing.

We were playing an official game for the first time. We had waited so long for it – two years and four months – that we were playing speed go. And at lunch break, Touya whispered that one word which stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Sai…"

I looked at him, stunned, but didn't say anything. If asked, I would deny vehemently.

He went on.

"Our game reminds me of Sai, the Internet go player…"

"Too bad I'm not Sai", I answered with a sad smile.

"It's you", he pressed the point. "It's _another_ you. There is _someone else_ within you. The Shindou Hikaru I played against the first time we met. It was Sai. It was him, it was Sai. I'm sure of it because I know you better than anyone else. I am the only one to know. Within you, someone else is hiding…"

I schooled my features to stay impassive and unconcerned, but I was terribly excited. Because Touya had effectively found Sai. He had discovered my secret. Of course, I didn't respond. But as I went towards the elevator to leave the room, I couldn't help saying those words. Those words he is taunting me with now.

"Someday… Maybe someday I'll tell you everything…"

I am a bit afraid that it is too soon for him to know. I am terribly afraid that he won't believe me. But in my heart, I know I owe him that much. As my eternal rival. And as my best friend. This is what urges me to state, as if in jest:

"Next time you beat me in an official game, I promise I'll tell you."

I could feel the electricity in the air as Akira darts his eyes on me, daring me to take back my words. I look into his eyes concealing neither my worry nor my determination.

"You promise?" he asked with his voice shaking.

"Promise."


	5. The First Game

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The First Game**

I must have been mad that day. There is no other explanation. I must have been raving insane to promise him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if he beats me in an official game. The reason being he never ever lost in an official game against me. I must have been mad.

On the day we received our convocation cards from the Go federation – _the_ cards, the ones planning an official game between the two of us a month from then – we decided in unanimous agreement that we wouldn't meet in the go salon until the game was played. Touya even went farther than that. No game, no meeting, no conversation, no phone call. He barely nodded to me when we met perchance in the corridors of the federation.

I studied like a lunatic for a month. I played countless games against Waya, against Isumi, against Saeki and even against Ochi. I begged Morishita-sensei to help me train to beat Touya and he was happy to comply. I studied Shuusaku's kifu at home a hundred times, a thousand times. I trained and studied, and studied and trained.

Today is the day. Today is the day and I have no plan whatsoever to win this game. I believe I have never been so nervous about a game before. I want to win this game so badly. I want to win because I am panic-stricken at the idea to spill the beans to Touya. I have known him for more than five years now. At the first, he only represented the goal on which my every progress was focused. Then, he was the rival I wanted to be acknowledged by. But now… Now he is my best friend as well and I am scared to death to lose him if I tell him about Sai, the companion ghost who lived with me for three years.

Today is the day and there is no going back. I won't renege on my promise. The only way is forward.

I enter the room well after the other go players. I am not late, I am just on time. Touya is already sitting in front of the goban; I can hear his shallow breath and see his trembling hands. His eyes are closed in pure concentration. I force myself to relax because I fear I might be hyperventilating. I sit in front of him and freeze as he opens his eyes. Never have his green eyes been more intense and piercing than today. He bows his head lightly to acknowledge my presence. I bow my head in return and lower my eyes.

"Nigiri." His voice is like a weak rustle.

He is white and I am black. I remember Sai saying irritatingly that he never lost with black. I am gripping my fan in my left hand, my knuckles whitening under the pressure.

"Onegaishimasu." I whisper.

"Onegaishimasu." He says in turn.

I take a black stone in my right hand and pause. I am thinking. The clock is ticking the minutes away, but thinking now is more important. The first move has not been played yet. I am thinking. Thoughts collide in my head. _'Touya knows how Sai used to play. Elegant, straight-forward, sensible and sharp attacks. He knows how I play. Aggressive and tricky moves. What do I do now?'_

After fifteen excruciating minutes, I play the first move. I don't look up at him; my eyes never leave the board. I play the same opening moves than four years ago when he played against Sai on the Internet. After the tenth move, I look up at him with the same intensity he displayed before and I hear him gasp. It is as if I have admitted being Sai, but the game has just begun.

We're in the middle of the game when a ringing signals the lunch break. I am a little behind. I get up without a glance at him and walk away. I need a bowl of ramen and a few moments of peace and quiet to elaborate the intricate strategy I have been thinking about since the beginning of the game. Touya is still sitting and staring at the goban.

After the break, I sit back at my place. I could swear Touya has stayed motionless for an hour, eyes riveted to the board. It is my move. This move. My only chance to win the game. I put down my black stone. It's obviously a trap and Touya knows it. But can he read as far as I can? It's a trap no matter how he answers. He can spring the trap – it is but a minor trap – and I will lose the game. Or he can respond to my move and try to avoid the trap, which will trigger a bigger trap and will get me to win. My hope is a small one, but I can't help thinking: _'Who would voluntarily spring a trap and get caught in it, even if it is a minor one?'_

Touya is thinking, his body taut and his lips tightly squeezed. He is reading the board. He can see the flow of the stones and hundreds of possibilities are imagined, discarded or considered. He can see the small trap. He is looking beyond it. The moment he sees the bigger trap is the moment I am screwed. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes. He dips his hand in his goke, takes a white stone and plays. He doesn't spring the small trap.

My heart is beating so hard. I have outsmarted him in an official game. My left hand loosens its hold on my fan and the tip of it flaps against my goke.

Touya's eyes are wide and disbelieving. He has played his move. And he sees now the bigger picture. He looks at my face. I can't help but smirk as I know, and he knows, I am going to win.

As I take a black stone between my fingers, I hear him.

"I resign."

Without a word, he puts away his stones, stands up and leaves the room. As I look at him, I am not sure if his eyes are bright or brimful of tears. I put away my stones, slowly get up as the fight has been forceful and exquisite and go to the billboard to mark my victory. My first victory against Touya in an official match. My head is spinning a little.

Once outside, I see Touya sitting on a bench, his head in his hands. I hesitate. Should I go to him or leave him alone? I don't have the time to decide, as he turns his head towards me. I can see he has been crying a bit, but he smiles at me. What he tells me at this precise moment are the precious and treasured words of a true friend.

"You did well."


	6. The Second Game

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The Second Game**

Touya congratulates me on my game. I can't remember if it has ever happened before. He sure is quick to jump to my defence if one of his devoted fans' jibes at his father's go salon are too loud or too vindictive, but I can't remember him telling me to my face that I played a good game. At least, not without the conversation deteriorating and being afterwards followed by one of our infamous shouting matches.

The words are swirling in my head. "You did well".

I go to him, smiling wryly. He is still sitting and doesn't make a move. His long black hair is partially hiding his face. From its own volition, my left hand strokes the soft locks before putting them back behind his ear. I tilt my head, grin at him and reach out for his hand.

"Come on", I exhort him to take my hand. "Come on, we didn't play for fun for a whole month. Hell, we didn't even talk for a month. Let's go to your salon and have a game of speed go, or blind go or anything…"

"Anything?" He asks slyly.

"Ha! Don't be a moron, Touya! I've missed my best friend for a month, so come on, let's play. Just the two of us." I can't help but add. "No pressure."

"Language, Shindou! You have no manners…" His tone is not nearly as prickly or waspish as usual. Actually, if I didn't know him so well, I would say he is on the verge of laughing out loud.

"I'm sassy! Come on now, I'm sure I can kick your ass once more today!"

He looks at me and chuckles.

"There will be other games, Touya." I say soberly. "My promise still stands. Now, move and come play with your best friend. Please?"

His hand slips into mine. It is surprisingly warm and I can feel the callosities on his fingers, these signs bespeaking of a serious go player.

"Best friend, eh? Okay, you're on!"

With this talk, we go back to our daily routine. We chat once again in the corridors of the federation about our respective games and our dan promotion. We meet several times a week in his father's go salon to play again and again; and our shouting matches at the end of the games are worse than ever. I think we both are fond of being able to leave every shred of adult control on our emotions when we are together. Touya even invites me to his house once, as his parents are travelling through China and Korea. The imposing townhouse is intimidating and the atmosphere is sapping my skill – I lose four times in a row against him. I am grateful when he doesn't boast about it.

I am intriguingly happy that nothing has changed between us since that game. Or at least nothing much. Touya's eyes are much shinier than usual when he looks at me now. I am wondering about it. Is it because of something I've said or done? _'I did beat Touya that day, but that's not it. I didn't say anything unusual, did I?'_ Oh gods, as soon as I think about it, I know what it is about. Exactly as Touya never congratulated me to my face before, I never said he was my best friend out loud. Touya's eyes are glistening with happiness, because I admitted to him that he is my best friend. I can't stop the very goofy smile growing on my face. I guess I am happy too.

The winter months go by without a hitch and, as spring graces us with its renewed presence and warmer temperatures, we both receive the federation cards we have been waiting for. At last, we will play a _return game_.

"This time, I am going to win, Shindou. Your sleight of hand won't work on me anymore, I know you too well." Touya says. He is still too polite to say malicious cutting remarks.

But I have no qualm about it.

"In your dreams, Touya. I suspect that one nasty move of mine will be enough to send you weeping in your mother's skirts." I sneer.

"Be careful when you talk about my mother, Shindou." He growls.

I have forgotten how feisty he gets when he is riled up.

Today is the day. Today is the day and once again, I have no plan whatsoever to win this game. This reeks of _déjà-vu_. I sit in front of the goban. I am a bit early today and so is Touya. Our eyes meet for a moment. His green eyes are burning; not only is he prepared for a win but he is trained for a kill. My stomach is churning up and my hands are moist. Somehow, I doubt that I can win this game.

"Nigiri." His voice is loud and clear, unlike last time.

He is black and I am white. I can't stop thinking _'Bad omen, bad omen…'_

"O-Onegaishimasu." I stammer.

"Onegaishimasu." He answers, imperturbable.

He begins to play immediately and his black stone clangs on the board. I could swear his fingertips are glowing, just like his father's. I am impressed and disconcerted. My fingers are gripping a white stone, as my left hand tightens on my fan. I remember the meditation exercise that Touya taught me some weeks ago to calm my nerves. At the time, I have mocked him. Now, I am ready to use anything to stop feeling so nauseated with anxiety. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in… I play my move and the battle begins.

By lunch break, I already know that I have lost. Touya has been playing with a wild ferocity I have rarely witnessed before.

Ten minutes after we get back, I lower my head in defeat and sigh.

"I resign. Thank you for the game."

I gather my stones, stand up and exit the room in silence. Once outside, I lean on the wall of the building and begin to shake violently. Tears are blurring my eyesight. I must look a mess, but I don't care. I am truly frightened.

I am startled when I feel a warm hand on my shoulder. Touya is looking at me with solicitude and concern.

"I'm okay, Touya. I'm okay." The words sound false but reassuring. "Can you do me a favour?"

"I am not forgetting your oath, Shindou. Don't count on it."

"I know." I smile coyly through my tears. "Just clear your schedule for May the fifth and come with me to Innoshima, will you?"

"What?" The surprise takes him aback and he forgets for once to be polite. "What does it have to do with your oath?"

"Everything." I answer truthfully. "Will you be there with me?"


	7. The Confession

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi****.**

**WARNINGS: Mainly spoilers if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime, mild language, possible underage drinking and very mild boy on boy theme.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**The Confession**

Never before have I relinquished the right to know the truth from Shindou – from the day he said he might tell me someday. I have struggled long and hard not to wrench it away from him by force. I have waited and waited. He has promised to tell me the next time I would win an official game against him. He has promised, but he is going to make me wait again. I have had enough.

I give him a rueful smile.

"I understand." My voice is quiet and wavering. "You're simply not going to tell me ever, are you? Your oath is just words to you. I understand, Shindou." I cannot look him in the eyes, as the feelings of betrayal and despair seep through my heart. "You can drop the pretence, now. You never had the purport to tell me anything about your secret." I silently plead with myself not to mourn for a friendship I doubt has ever existed.

He stays silent. I raise my head and stare at his face. Twin tears are still rolling down his cheeks, as he seems to weep in silence. He opens his mouth and closes it. He opens his mouth again and his voice is breaking as he speaks.

"I'll tell you this now, Touya." His sobs come in uneven hiccups. "May the fifth is the anniversary of Sai's… It is the anniversary of… the day he disappeared… three years ago. And Innoshima…" He cannot go on.

I am terrified that Shindou is having a nervous breakdown right now. The weight of this secret must be tremendous for him to go to pieces this way. I feel guilty because it is my fault for not believing him, for not believing in him. He is still crying and unable to speak. I scoot closer to him and rest my chin on his shoulder. My lips are brushing his ear as I whisper.

"Stop talking. I'll clear my schedule. I'll be there with you."

We stay immobile for a few minutes, huddled up against one another, until both of us begin to feel uncomfortable with the closeness. We move away from each other instinctively and Shindou averts his eyes from me.

"May the fifth is in four weeks now. We'll take train tickets for Onomichi in the Hiroshima area, then the bus to go to the island of Innoshima. I guess I'll see you then, Touya."

Shindou begins to run toward the bus stop, turns back to me, waves and cracks a small smile. He looks a bit better. I am relieved.

Four weeks later, we meet early in the morning in the train station. I greet him in my usual manner and manage to get a grumble in answer. Shindou is always grumpy when he wakes up before midmorning. He is still sulking about the early hour in the train but his face brightens when I suggest a game on his magnetic goban. The time whizzes by when we play.

We take the bus to Innoshima and I marvel at the sight of the sea. Shindou scoffs at me until I tell him I didn't see the ocean since I was a three or four-year-old boy.

"Where are we going anyway?" I am getting more and more curious.

"To the Ishikiri Temple." Knowing Shindou, I should have guessed he wouldn't offer any explanation.

On destination, Shindou walks with me through a row of graves until we arrive to that one grave. Shuusaku Honinbou. I have no idea how it does connect to his story but this is it. Sai, Shuusaku Honinbou, Shindou Hikaru. The great secret. Shindou sits on the grave and motions for me to follow.

"Do you want me to sit on Shuusaku's grave? On the great Go Saint's grave?"

"Sure." He giggles. "Be my guest, I'm sure Torajirou won't mind."

I sit down next to him. There is a pause, a pregnant moment of anticipation as Shindou collects his mind and bolsters his courage. As all stories, it begins at the beginning.

"Do you like ghosts' stories, Touya?" He asks me.

For a few hours, there is only me, Shindou and his story. His incredible, unbelievable, extraordinary story. I know he is a devil-may-care happy-go-lucky boy. I know he likes fun and is partial to bad jokes. I know nothing he is telling me can be true. But I know topmost of all that when I look into his eyes, I can see he is not lying and he is not mad. What he tells me has happened to him. He has lived for three years with a ghost named Sai who has taught him to play go. I lose my poise. I truly believe him but I am so bewildered, so thunderstruck that at the end of his tale, I get up without a word, turn my back to him and go back to the hotel we have booked together because we have decided to stay the night.

I am dumbfounded, because all those years ago, he told me _'Maybe someday I'll tell you everything'_ when what I suspected was actually the truth. There was someone else within him and that someone was Sai.

For the first time in eighteen years, I feel like doing something stupid. I _need_ to do something stupid. There is a small fridge with several bottles of cold sake. And I am going to drink them all.

When Shindou comes barging in the room, his eyes are blazing and he is ranting.

"Why the fuck did you leave me in that cemetery alone? Didn't you want to hear my true story? You little piece of shit, you… What's that smell? Sake? Akira, don't tell me you're so shocked that you drank? Gods, you're underage! Is that how you deal with things you don't like hearing? I knew you wouldn't believe me; that's why I didn't want to tell you, you're not able to stomach what you don't understand!"

My head is spinning a lot and the room is revolving around me. Shindou is calling me by my given name. I try to get another bottle of sake, but I knock it over and spill it on the table.

"Drat!" I slur. "It was the last one. Shoot…"

"Akira, you're fucking roaring drunk and you can't even swear properly! What the hell is wrong with you?"

He grabs the front of my shirt and begins to shake me back and forth. When he stops, our heads are so close that our noses nearly brush against one another. A rosy blush dusts my cheeks as I reply softly.

"What is wrong with me is I believe you. That's why I got drunk. I believe every darn word you said, Hikaru. You told me the truth and I love you for it."

That's the moment of truth for him and for me. Now or never. I close my eyes and lean on his body as my lips brush lightly against his.


End file.
